For the past fifteen years I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.
Being a specialist in the prevention of violence, I have intervened with the externalized rage in men and women domestic violence offenders from toxic families. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to put an end to relationship abuse. And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life. Many of the violent client’s I treat suffer from personality disorders. Physical violence against another is a narcissistic action. Learning about the damage from physical, emotional, and verbal violence has led me to write this blog.
I am also dedicating my personal and professional life to supporting people with limb loss. My learning journey with chronic physical pain is the result of my personal experience with phantom limb pain. I was graced with the gift of self-acceptance upon realization that my forearm was amputated. The discovery of the tripartite mirror apparatus innovation that I write about to treat phantom limb pain and the work I do to help people with limb loss accept themselves is grace. Losing my arm has been one of the better things that has happen in my life. The adversity has taught me what it takes to put an end to self-created emotional pain. For that, I am very grateful.
The most helpful and down to the point information about narcissistic personality and codependecy I have found. Thank you.
Thank you, I have had thousands of people write to me experiencing the unbelievable pain that comes from getting caught in a narcissistic relationship. I do know how real the cruel behavior is and have reverence for helping people heal.
Hi Roberta , I was in an abusive relationship with a Narcissist for over 10 years .
I finally found the courage to leave him when I found out he had an unhealthy porn addiction . He preferred porn to me .
He was a mind controlling monster .
Still coming to terms with all the wasted years and trying to get his thoughts from outta my head.
Thank you for your insight.
Hang in there! I gets easier and it is so worth it. There is a wealth of information and support available to help you recover. I am sending you much strength to fully grieve your relationship and become whole.
Hello Roberta! I’m so glad I found you on the net! I went into a 2.5 years long severe depression where I made attempts to end my life during my marriage. I only gained my life back after shock treatments. Thank God due to an observant Psych MD who diagnosed my then husband with npd that I have my life back! I divorced him and yes the last year and a half has been a struggle to process it all. I see my MD every 3 months and my counselor twice a month I am healing!!! I just wanted to introduce my self and be an example to others that the severe stress of these npd’s can put your mental health in a life threatening position.
Living in a combat zone with a narcissist creates trauma reactions that looks like mental illness in the partner. Many narcissists label their partners as bi-polar or borderline. The symptoms of hypervigilance, depression, mood swings, substance abuse, etc. often are a by-product of the abuse. You are a strong women that will grow from your adversity. Thank you for writing to me.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for giving of your courage, education and experience. I appreciate it and the real comfort you offer.
In writing this I wonder if it is narcissistic to tell you I (using the pronoun and mentioning myself) appreciate your work? The black sheep & scapegoat of an, insert adjective, mostly enraged abusive and punishing family of origin, I was recently verbally attacked by my youngest brother (very financially successful) for asking if he would like to hear what our 89 year old father had said to me regarding what he wanted in care-taking. (I was at the end of 5 weeks of caring for ‘Dad’ after he came home from hospital. My sibling (7 total) stood up told me I was “such an asshole” (for using the pronoun I and being self important he later told a sister close to me. He then stomped out of room outside to porch and I could hear him say “I’m not going to let that bitch dictate ….”
I went into a kind of shock and didnt listen further… long sad story short. Now I second guess myself every time I speak up and give my opinion in our group meetings or even in casual conversation with friends. I can only think that because I stepped out of the family dynamic with my life and my journey in emotional wellness, as have some of my older sisters, that he was punishing me for not laying down for him to walk over in a difficult time (aging and imminent dying of a parent).
I dont know if I can ask your opinion on this. I am not asking for medical or psycholigical treatment etc. Please edit this in any way that may serve your mission.
It sounds like your brother has problems communicating maturely. You are entitled to speak your truth and I believe you do it without taking someone’s dignity. Keep on learning about what you really want in life. You have a right to have a life that works for you regardless of what your family thinks. Keep showing up for yourself. I am rooting for you.
Roberta, I find your writing to be extremely helpful. Your perspective and expertise are a nice match, the blog posts are salient and quite useful.
Thank you for the vote of confidence. I get much pleasure by giving back from my professional experience and personal healing. Supporting others gives value to the relationship pain I have grown through. I am sending positive vibes your way.
I am a 22 male in usa. I think my parents are narcissistic. Can you please help?
The emotional pain of growing up with narcissistic parents is not for wimps. The adversity can be a source of personal depth and lead to much wisdom. The pain often forces people to change in beneficial ways. The best thing you can do is make a commitment to heal your life. You do this by understanding and accepting what happen to you growing up. Invest in yourself by reading, writing and talking about your fears. Finding a healing professional to listen can make the journey easier, faster, and help you be kinder to yourself. Codependents Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-step groups can be a good support. Members teach you how to re-parent yourself and not feel isolated with your struggles. My heart goes out to you. I suspect you will eventually create a life that works for you. Thank you for writing to me.
Thank you so much for your blog. I’ve realized that my mother is a HUGE (malignant) narcissist. To the tenth degree. BTW I am her “caregiver”. She steals my thought, cause she has none of her own. Makes me look like a general looser with her back handed comments and remarks she lays down for people, thus forming their opinion of me on her damaging/damaged view. She takes other peoples side as oppose to her children.
I recently had a run in with a sadistic dentist who refused to take responsibility for his poor work; which has resulted in partial facial paralysis. My face was clearly showing signs of paralysis but when I asked her she “didn’t see it” and was SURE drX was right and I was seeing things.
And a maid who stole a life time of my jewelry from me and my mom has taken her side and just continues to have the lady come in week after week, knowing (probably because of) how I feel. She could ignore an elephant if it suited her mission, It’s amazing really!
Which leads me to my sister, and brother for that matter, who have not yet recognized the abuse done to them. They recognize she has always treated me poorly but don’t want to look at the fact the same woman raised them too.
My sister was molested for many years and developed multiple personalities. She’s been going to therapy for almost 30 years to no avail.
I want to scream from the hill tops “OMG it’s not [just] that you were molested. It’s the fact that you were COMPLETELY ignored by your mother when you looked for safety, reassurance and security! It’s narcissistic abuse! You had to be your own savior(s)” She could have screamed and cried and jumped up and down and come in with bloody underwear and my mother still would have ignored things. I guess it would have taken attention off her, I don’t know.
She sucked the life force out of my father and I realize that now in having to live with her again. I’m fading into the woodwork just like she made my dad. He was quite a congenial man. Sadly only people outside the house and my mom’s veil got to enjoy him like that (his real self) But my sister and brother think of him as a hot head. What they’ve never realized is she was pushing buttons all along and they are weird obscure buttons, things no one would think anyone would do so they get fluffed off.
My point when I started the rant was; thank you for giving words to this confusing and deceitful “dis-ease” , you hit many things right on the head. Again, thank you. I guess I needed that 😀
You are welcome and thank you for writing to me. There is so much information and tools available to help us heal from narcissistic abuse. Keep investing in yourself. You have a depth from facing your adversity and a usefulness to others. I am wishing you an abundance of grace and self-compassion.
Thank you very much for your very precise and adequate advice on how to free yourself from the abuse in a relationship with narcissistic persons. However it brings me to the pressing question if there is also advice for these narcissistic persons to step out of their social and sexual ‘impotence’ and transform themselves into authentic loving and caring personalities?
Thank you for the compliment. A true narcissist is constitutionally incapable of changing. The only human emotion they experience is rage or contempt. They feel contempt for people who are loving. Feeling and expressing authentic love is viewed as a weakness or a trap. Their emotional outbursts are pure drama, not a feeling of empathy or remorse. Some narcissist’s become less abusive as they age because they find themselves alone from the wake of destruction they create in people’s lives. The abusive behavior is an enduring part of their lifelong character and fueled by pathological self-hatred. If you love a narcissist it is best to let them go and forgive them for being incapable of loving you.
I’ve done extensive research on the subject of narcissism and your posts have been, by far, the most accurate and enlightening. I especially appreciate the insight to the depth of codependency and the destructive characteristics of it. It is a long road to healing after the break from an N., but it is also a gift because you cannot carry on in the same old manner. A new life emerges, requiring a need to nurture oneself through learning to love and appreciate the self without seeking the approval or attention of someone outside yourself. In many ways, it is like giving birth. The labor pains are part of it, but in the end, we become healthier from the experience of being with an N., which gives an opportunity to truly live, and love.
I couldn’t have expressed the healing process better. Narcissists are great teachers for learning to stop victimization, own our power and believe in our right to happiness. Keep showing up for yourself. Thank you for the inspiration.
OMG I have spent the last nine years not realizing that I had been in a narcissistic relationship until i read your blog. REally wow. It really messed with my life. Even after I got married I really wanted to punch my ex because of her behaviour which fits exactly with that description. Then I spent years being mad at myself for allowing it to happen. It was really awful. I feel so awesome reading, it is really validating. wow. I still want her to be hit by a bus, just not me driving;)
Thank you for writing to me and you are welcome. You have done healing from your past narcissistic relationship. I want to encourage you to release any feelings that may still be hurting you. Release the judgments and guilt you feel for your choices. Relationships teach us to work through our issues and learn the lessons we need to master. This action will prepare you for receiving a decent partnership. The narcissist feels “all powerful” if they can continue to ruin your joy (forever). You deserve the best life that self-love has to offer. Work on believing this, let love replace your pain/fear. I am wishing you an abundance of joy and self-compassion.
I added your blog to my Must Read Blogs page. Thanks for all the great information. http://impoweryou.org/must-read-blogs/
Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you
You very kindly wandered over to my blog, and left a comment on one of my posts. I have to say this is an amazing blog, full of well researched information. Not surprising given that you are a professional. The subjects you raise regarding nacissistic bosses resonate with me. Not because I have suffered from them myself, but because I know so many people who have had to deal with them in corporate land
Thank you countingducks! Your blog name makes me smile. The damage done by narcissistic employers is costing this country a fortune in healthcare. An abusive boss contributes to the chronic mental and physical disabilities in their employees.
Nice to meet you …
It’s the best feeling connecting. It’s my pleasure to meet you.
Thank you for stopping by my site! And thank you for your messages and what you offer others! Healing comes in many different forms in our lives. And your steps and descriptions are very helpful. Blessings on your journey, Erin, Bella Bleue