Narcissistic Abandonment: Find, Feel, F……., Forget

220px-Manananggal_of_Philippine_Mythology_Commons“I used my desires for sex, alcohol and pleasure to get my basic instincts met to dominate and control.  “Find, Feel, F…k, Forget” (Secrets of a Narcissist).

Narcissists are people who have no capacity to empathize and cannot feel your pain.  They don’t care about the damage inflicted by their ruthless negligence and are clearly sadistic in their emotional abandonment of partners.  Narcissists break hearts and humiliate partners to feel all powerful or punish for not getting the attention he or she craves.  Uninterested in experiencing an intimate connection, many narcissists lead hidden sexual lives compulsively watching pornography, masturbating, having affairs and/or visiting prostitutes.

Narcissists draw hostages to them that are fearful of rejection and suffer with unhealed pain in childhood.  A certain vulnerability or “woundedness” is appealing to them. Particularly vulnerable are those with absent fathers, angry mothers, or a history of abusive partners.  Narcissists are selective vampires with a psychic knowing of what emotional vulnerabilities to prey on, exploit, devour or destroy.  They look for naïve people and will present themselves as a person of honor and virtue.

A person who was physically or emotionally abandoned by a parent or caregiver may struggle with loss throughout life and not develop healthy self-esteem.  Experiences of abandonment growing up often contribute to feelings of worthlessness as well as a distorted view of how to care appropriately for one self in relationships.  Children who experience chronic loss without parental protection internalize incredible fear and believe they are not important or of little value. As adults with low self-esteem they often seek narcissistically unavailable partners and friends.  Additionally, rejection fears can impair a person’s ability to trust others and may cause anxiety, depression, and codependency.  Codependency is the inability to leave a chronically abusive relationship behind, whether that relationship is ongoing or past.  The codependent is a perfect match for the narcissistic relationship.

Abandonment, physical or mental, is very cruel and a plain act of insensitivity.  A narcissist can be physically present during conflict yet emotionally disappear in front of your eyes.  They will not talk about problems and will isolate themselves. Refusing to acknowledge the emotional distance with resounding silence can drive you crazy. Narcissistic vampires will continue to stick around aloof and cold until they suck the life out of you.  The emotional and mental violence is excruciating.  They perceive confrontation, disagreements, needs, respect for your boundaries, or being ignored as threats.  This pattern of emotional neglect destroys any chance of happiness and is traumatic.  As you get to know him better and begin to withdraw sexually and emotionally for protection the psychic vampire senses this change.  He disengages abruptly to maintain control of the abandonment and might start looking for a replacement relationship. The interpretation of events becomes a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths, and bizarre accusations to make him look like the mistreated.  He becomes a saintly hero and his partner the abuser.  The narcissist controls the whole show and becomes defensive and resistant.  He is at risk of becoming enraged and suicidally despondent when you finally walk away from the insanity. No contact or ignoring a narcissist is the final torture.

Healing from abandonment takes time as you go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness.  The only way to get through your pain is to go through it.  Getting support from a healing professional is a good choice.  You can choose the direction of your new life.  By pursuing direction and happiness you begin the healing process.  Above all, choose to be kind to yourself; leave behind crisis and chaos.  Develop self-compassion; it is a necessary step towards removing yourself as a victim.

Thank you for reading my post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes put an end to relationship abuse.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.





19 thoughts on “Narcissistic Abandonment: Find, Feel, F……., Forget

  1. There should be protection for people who fall prey to these individuals. I also feel that if they have an official diagnosis that it is law that they have to disclose this information to prospective partners . We are all aware of Human Rights and Mental Health Acts , but where is the protection of average minded people ? It seems to me they get away with a lot based on a diagnosis . Why should people have to learn to respect these people when they have none.

    • Dear Charlotte,

      The abundance of information available about the narcissistic relationship through the internet is making a difference. Surviving the purgatory from narcissistic abuse should require mandated reporting. Recovery requires us to heal our own lives. The pain can be transformed into a gift. I am wishing you much joy and growth in the new year.

      Best Regards,

  2. I realized after I left my husband of almost 20 years that I was in a relationship that was one sided. He didn’t work except to play music at benefits mostly. He expected me to make the money to let him do whatever he wanted. He cheated with no concept of how I felt. He even told me he was with other woman and thought that it was alright because he was just having fun. When I had a heart attack after months turned into years of arguments, he was so self absorbed with his new fling that he could not find time to be beside me at the hospital. The girl knew all of the situation and because they knew each other when she was 15 and he was 21 they felt that it was alright. They had a sexual affair before at above ages. They now are going to live together happy ever after. Trying to get past this after 3 months I still feel broken. I know in my head that he is not good for me but in my heart I’m still crushed.

  3. I met my ex online on dating site. He was 6 years older than me.We fall in love very quickly and I was thinking its paradise.But later on I found that he is still using same dating profile! I was shoked and decided to create a new profile just to check on him….and he replied and even ask for contact number ((((Then I told him it was a check-up and he started apologizing over and over saying that he love me soo much etc. And I stupidly beleived him…Later on I found that he again went to same dating site and even updated his cover photo there, but when I questioned him he told me that I am drama queen who always looking for fights. By the way from the beginning of our dating he was pushing me in some ways to have intimate contact however I wasnt ready for it yet. During the first month he was showering me with attention, always texting, calling and caring, but when when THIS happend, he become a bit different, sometimes even rude. He was always saying that I am looking for conflict (we fight quite often coz I didnt have trust on him after all)! He was rerely taking me out somewhere coz he said he doesn’t want to spend money. I was cooking for him on Christmas Day, doing everything to make him happy…but stil I was drama
    queen. ..You know all the time I had feelings that he us not loyal, but I was ignoring them totally untill one day! On that day I was staying in his flat during weekends and we were talking than I saw his new laptop on the sofa and decided to open it (I never was checking his phone, notebook etc) but this time like universe told me to do it. When I opened it I saw his email page which was opened before by him and……iI saw movie tickets ordered online few days ago (on that day he told me that he is going to playfootball with friends) I was shoked and lost. And from his reaction I saw that what I am thinking is true (( I told him to drop me home, and he did. when I came home I saw him online again in dating site like nothing happened. ..II couldn’t believe that few days ago he was telling me that i am one&only for him. Then he came back on Valentines day drunk without any gift to ask for forgiveness and I forgive (( however I knew I am stupid to do this. Few days later when we were fighting he told me it was not a big deal and I just over reacted and then I exploded.I started crying saying how u can do all this, u know how I was hurting when I found u cheating and he said dont use ur tears to impress me…..THAT WAS END OF MY LIMIT….I hung up the phone…I said NO to myself..

    Later I found out he updated photo on the same site we met where he was wearing Calvin Klein ‘tshirt which I bought for him, just to hurt me more…
    I dont know how person can change like that from caring and loving to cruel and careless.
    I was dating him for 3 months only but my self esteem damage is sooo big.
    I am maintaining NO CONTACT for more than two months but pain is still with me…
    I cant stop online stalkimg, I found out he went for vacation to GOA, and he is almost not using dating site anymore, thats mean he found a new love…
    And I am just staying at same place, betrayal and heartbroken.
    Sometimes I am thinking ….maybe problem was me ((((((……

  4. I’ve just discovered that my son (22) is in a relationship with a Narcissist. We’ve realized that she has virtually pulled him away from us and out of our lives. I’m struggling with how to help him. He does not want counseling and has been hiding the details of his relationship for 1 1/2 years. He is away at college with her. I believe he is codependent on her. Could you give me any direction? Your article was very helpful to me. Should I send it to him, or would it push him away from us further? Thank you. A Mom with a broken heart : (

    • Mom with a Broken Heart,
      It must be painful to witness the lessons your son is learning. As a parent you want to protect your son. Detaching in love and avoiding power plays to influence your son ending his relationship is critical. He will likely feel resentment if you do this and stay stuck longer. Your son needs to leave this relationship at his own choice when the time is right. He needs to save himself and he needs your love and trust in him to solve problems. When he copes with his errors he will develop into a resilient, self-confident, and self-sufficient man that is not victimized in relationships. Thank you for writing to me. I am wishing you the best.

      • Thank you very much for your words of wisdom. We are loving him unconditionally and realize that it is ultimately HIS choice to date someone that treats him with such control and manipulation. (His girlfriend’s parents have joined in on the game. They have wanted him to marry their daughter since their 3rd date.) I feel he is somewhat brainwashed…is there anything we CAN do? Should we gently tell him when we something is not right or amiss in the relationship or just pretend everything is a-okay? We drove 3 hours to visit him on his birthday and he wasn’t “allowed” to go to lunch with us. We ate lunch in the lobby of his apartment complex 10 feet from where is girlfriend works. We smiled and laughed and gave him his birthday present as if nothing was abnormal about the situation. I feel like he is being “bullied” and I feel like it is my responsibility to tell him when he is being bullied. I see what you are saying about letting go and letting him make mistakes and learn. I wonder if we might should say if you get married before you graduate from college you are on your own. (They are going to Las Vegas for Spring Break.) Oh my! What is a mother to do… Your advice is very sound and I would appreciate more advice on what we SHOULD do to help and support him. (Maybe keep our mouths closed but letting him see us roll our eyes.) My prayer is that he is reading the articles on your website some day. Thanks again, Mom with a Broken Heart

  5. Dear Roberta,
    Thank you for this precious information. For 2.5 years I have been in a very difficult relationship with a highly needy person and verbal abuse and neglect escalated, until I took the decision to leave him. I am a human rights lawyer specialising in refugees and fell for a refugee that I met at theater classes. Being quite an idealistic and dreamy person, I thought that he was a hero, a dynamic and courageous man that is born to fight against oppression and injustice. Never thought he would become my own oppressor…At the beginning he was charming, passionate and sweet talking. He wanted a serious relationship right away. I ignored the red flags.. He tried to manipulate me through playing the victim in order to make me help him get a residence permit, get his passport, and finance his studies. He was a very irresponsible and spoiled person but I always found excuses for him, that he had been through a lot and it was normal to misbehave. He used lies in order to make me host him in his house. He attacked on me, criticized me and shouted at me. Every time I tried to break up, he begged me to forgive him and played the kind guy. He lost his job and created all kinds of unrealistic targets about his future. I felt sorry for him and tried to help him but then I decided that by doing this, I wasn’t allowing him to grow up and take responsibility. When I decided to stop being his mum and stop financing him, he became really cruel. He tried to make me feel guilty for his situation. He said I will live abroad because you didn’t save me. One day he was shouting at me for a silly reason, I somehow went out of myself and looked at me with sympathy, saying “you don’t deserve this”. I told him not to call me again and stuck to this. To be honest, the fact that he left the country made things easier for me.
    After reading a lot on codependency and with the help of my counselor, I realized that I never addressed my childhood fear of being left alone, of my angry and over-protective mother and I wanted to save everybody else, in my work as well as in my personal life. When I started my relationship I was not feeling okay, I was feeling scared and searched for protection. I am still working on myself cause I don’t want to live like this anymore. Yes, I do feel a bit lost, because my whole life was based on these patterns and now I don’t know which path to follow, professionally and personally. But at least I have some hope that since I faced the challenge, it might all work out fine…

    • Ioanna,
      Your life is working its way out. The grieving process takes time. The lessons you are learning will make you stronger and a cut above in your professional work. Don’t give up; let your pain move you to a better life. You will never regret showing up for yourself. I am wishing you much grace and an abundance of self-compassion. Thank you for writing to me.

  6. I had been in a narcissistic relationship with a friend for 9 years been on and off friends for 18 years. She is currently divorced for the 4th time and she pulled me in as her adopted mother. I moved from NY to Colorado to live with her and help with her children. She has a daughter who is 14 and a narcissist in training. I have learned that I am a codependent, so I am working on that part of my life. I fear abandonment. Before I moved I asked her about future relationships and if that would include me and she said we came as a set. I BECAME EXTREMELY CLOSE TO HER 6 year old son. I have osteoarthritis and due to circumstances beyond my control I told her I could no longer help with the kids full time. I was also financially strapped (I helped her out to the amount of over $25,000). But told her I would still be around to help where I can. Once K started dating and her financial and baby sitter supply in me dried up she started to disengage and isolate me from her son. She knew how to draw on my fears. She withdrew from me and was unkind. She has since become engaged for the 5th time. So she wanted me to move. One day, I just packed my stuff, loaded a Uhaul and moved to live with my brother. I am financially dry, on social security and gave her everything. The most important part of all this is her son F. I am still in contact with him via his dad and hopefully will continue to be. I will always worry how my leaving affected him. He has sensory process disorder and may be on the spectrum. She herself has had a horrible childhood and I understand now how she was hard wired this way which makes me sad for her. It’s some part of her life she will never understand. I took responsibility for leaving so abruptly and because I want a connection with her son will do just about anything to keep him in my life. Though it is clear right now she’s hurt but maybe in the future she will heal from all this. I would never go back but I don’t want to give up on F. I just wanted to put it out there that narcissistic behaviors and relationships do not have to be between partners but friends too.

    • Tonia,
      I can hear the pain in your writing. My heart goes out to you. Please continue to invest in yourself by learning about codependency and personality disorders. You are right, narcissist show-up in all types of relationships. I am glad you left the painful existence. It’s not okay to hurt yourself. I am wishing you the best.

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