Overcoming Fatal Narcissistic Attractions


Courtesy of Wikipedia- Solitude

The things I have come to recognize I want are not material but emotional.  Now that I have awakened, my abusive relationships take on new significance.  I now have the opportunity to learn new behaviors and new feelings.  I will wait no longer for the help I need.

Completing ourselves is the way we heal from narcissistic abuse and stop future victimization.  Getting comfortable being alone is something that everyone has to face to overcome fatal narcissistic attractions.   When you end your denial of partner abuse, your experience of pain increases until it is finally accepted.  Denial is used to defend against a loss of love, a loss of self, or the loss of another.  No other person or relationship will ever make it unnecessary for you to be complete.  It is always up to you to help yourself.  How do you complete yourself?  How do you overcome narcissistic abuse?  You make a commitment to stay out of intimate relationships until you think about and identify what you want.  You find direction and purpose in life by setting goals.  Emotionally you don’t tolerate blame for the abuse only your reaction to it.  You are stuck only by the parts of your relationship abuse for which you’re unwilling to heal and must, because you have been made sick.  Only by accepting the necessity to change, can you move on.  In order to succeed, you have to give up your excuses for failing.  If you sincerely admit you were at least partly responsible for choices made, you can be in greater control of your life.  Someone who expects to lose acts helpless, fails to take action, becomes resentful and holds others responsible for keeping them back.  This person ends up always looking to get even and tends to repeat past mistakes.  Keeping old pain alive is also another way to manipulate others.  When you are filled with resentments, you tend to diminish good feelings to justify staying angry.  You also hold on to your pain because you are afraid to express anger and want to avoid rejection or looking bad. Some hold on to their emotional pain because they are afraid to let go of a victim identity.

Loving yourself is a choice and series of actions based on that choice.  You begin to act accordingly even before you feel lovable.  You choose to behave as if you do anyway.  You don’t forfeit the right to create your own life.  The truth is you can choose to be happy and self-fulfilled regardless of what happen in your relationship.  You will then make healthy decisions that honor and attract and maintain real love, safety and happiness.

I believe the purpose in all our relationships is to discover our true identity and find out who we really are.  When you have an abuse history you need to make loving yourself a mission.  You must be willing to be responsible for completing your emotional work without focusing on anything or any relationship to escape yourself.  Until you heal your self other people, situations and life will inevitably hurt you.  After an abusive relationship many feel they have lost the sense of self as capable and wise, instead see only their problems.  We tend to not trust ourselves when all we recognize is what’s wrong with us.  In abusive relationships we have someone who tries to define who we should be, how we should feel, and how we should live.  This can lead to an increased incapacity to deal with life.  When we complete ourselves, we can better navigate challenging emotional times, feel loss or grieving, fear, or anger  knowing in our heart and soul that we will make it, even if we’re not sure how or when.  We learn we are safe in our own care.  We treat ourselves well, kindly, and as a self-compassionate person does.

Actions to Overcome Fatal Attractions and Complete Yourself

Speak kindly to yourself

Take care of your body and feed it well

Be compassionate with your painful thoughts

Take time to be outdoors in nature

Take time for exercise

Meditate, be still, and listen every day

Forgive as a discipline

Tell yourself often, “I love you very much”

Date yourself and take pleasure in your own company

Give yourself permission to make mistakes

Be self-compassionate with your fears

Learn to be patient with life

Protect your soul and energy

Spend time with like-minded people

Be willing to be wrong

Avoid a victim mentality

Refuse to listen to the tormentor in your head

Contribute the best you can

Show up for life

Thank you for reading my post. I’ve dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-compassion by teaching from my experience.  As a result, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes put an end to relationship abuse.  And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice I use myself, in the hopes that it helps you to improve your own life.



9 thoughts on “Overcoming Fatal Narcissistic Attractions

  1. Roberta,

    I find your articles and your feedback (comments) enlightening, supportive and so helpful! Thank you.

    I am curious as to your thoughts whether a codependent attracts a narcissist or creates the dynamic?

    Thank you!

    • Dear Jean,

      Thank you, the codependent is a mark for a narcissist or a taker. They can smell a codependent immediately. The beginnings of the relationship with these personalities can be intoxicating and exciting. When the abuse begins the codependent has a terrible time getting out because at their core they believe they are unlovable. I do think we attract people into our lives to learn lessons and to complete our unfinished business. The narcissist is one of love’s toughest lessons.

      Best Regards,

  2. I have just realised in the past week from a chat with my doctor and counsellor that my husband of 27 years is Narcisitic. This is a huge thing for me to come to terms with… I’m getting there. Thank you for this post and others I will find to read. I need to learn as much as I can about the disorder. He is full of rage and this has worsened since a cancer diagnosis 5 years ago. He is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He is very controlling. We are Christians. He throws things, punches things, and yells very close to my face. All this is started off by a passing comment I make or an issue I want to discuss. He is sick…he is mentally unhinged and he is killing me … My health and mentally, I suffer anxiety and depression …. Thank you again

    • Loves6
      My heart goes out to you. It is shocking to learn that a partner is a narcissist after years of purgatory. Please invest in yourself by learning about codependency and abuse. You might find my post, and especially the reader comments to How Codependents leave Abusive Narcissistic Relationships beneficial. I’m glad to read that you are seeing a counselor. The support is really imperative as you come to terms with the truth. More power to you. I am wishing you an abundance of self-compassion and strength.

    • Katherine,

      Thank you, I’m actually coming back to writing after a break. I have been fortunate recently to facilitate a Relationships Group teaching from my blog posts. It has been rewarding to work with people that are recovering from abusive relationships.


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